I don't know what is happening right now.

I am sitting at my desk.

I was just thinking about something, but I can't remember what. Now I feel terrible. I feel like nothing will ever be good again. I can vaguely remember a period when everything was good.

That was a few minutes ago.

Now it seems like nothing will ever be like that again. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I don't know what will happen when I can't hold out any longer. I don't even know if I will recognize it when it happens. Maybe I am sitting here right now and I am unable to hold out any longer but I don't know it so I hold out anyway.

I have to give myself more hope than that.

I have to believe that when I can't hold out any longer I will know it, and that there will be the option to not hold out any longer. But secretly I think that I have no choice but to hold out, because what else am I going to do but hold out?

I look around the room.

Everyone seems relatively ok. I don't know what anyone is thinking. I have a hope that somewhere else in this room there is someone just like me, someone doing whatever he can not to have to open the drawers of his desk.